My Shadow

I saw my sexuality as separate from myself. 

As a whole other entity my sexuality existed. It was like Disney's Peter Pan and his shadow. Only, instead of trying to catch it and re-attach it, I was the one stuffing it in a drawer, (or a closet, if you will), and it was trying to chase me.    I never saw this shadow as a part of me at all. It was "sin". It was a "choice". It was "temptation". It was "our sinful nature". It could be beaten down and prayed over. It could stay in the drawer and come out only when it needed to be addressed as "wrong" and needing to go away. But, the problem always remained. No matter how many times I threw my own shadow out the window, I would turn around and still see it on the wall behind me. It was always time to pray again. It was always "my cross to bear". My "struggle". 

June 17th, 2019. Tokyo, Japan while I was working as a missionary. 

"I truly believe that if I was not a christian I would be a strong supporter of LGBT+ community. ____ when I struggle with God, fall away even a little I go right back into it. And actually, even when I am in a good place there were times I had to use discipline and stuff and just control my thoughts and ideas and stuff. Sometimes its not that I am always picturing myself in a gay relationship, its a lot more of the time just desiring to hear about it and know about it and I think its “cute”. Sometimes way more than I feel anything towards people in normal relationships. So, I have never been able to relate to people who have hated the sin or anything. I usually have to choose to say no to it. Which, I have never told anyone ever. Because I don’t want people to freak out and I especially don’t want my friends who are girls to avoid me and stuff."

       Throughout my life, I wrote very very little about being gay. But thats just it...I didn't see myself as gay. It wasn't "normal". It was a false identity that the enemy Satan had hissed into the minds of the world; "It'ssss ok to be gay." But no. Not me. I would never take that identity. I wouldn't succumb the the lusts of Satan. I wouldn't become part of the worlds mindsets. I was a child of God. And children of God are born straight. And if they have attractions to the same sex, it was because of their parents. Their upbringing. Trauma. It was because I felt emotionally distant from my Father, thats why I didn't have sexual attractions to men. "Ah ah!"....  I wrote very very little about being gay. Thats why little writings like this feel so treasured to me now. Because it reminds me of how I once thought. How damaging and pointless that thinking was. Not only to me, but to others. It shows me how my shadow was always popping back up on the wall behind me. Because no matter how many times I locked the drawer, I found my shadow behind me again.

Blog Introduction

 

                 Song Of Solomon 2:14 ESV. "O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." 

                   I named this blog "In The Crannies Of The Cliff" after this bible verse. In a way, I'm using it ironically. Song of Solomon was my romance dance with God. Something he used to woo me with. Or, something I wanted him to woo me with. Its poetic. It's beautiful. Also, I have photos of me on cliffs so...it just works.

Why Make The Blog?

I'm Queer. 

I always have been. I want to come out publicly some day. Hopefully soon. But I grew up very christian. Very christian. The only people close to me and around me were and are christians. So, I wanted to make a place where my story and processes could be shared with people who genuinely want to know my process out of christianity and accepting a part of me that hasn't always been allowed to exists. I wanted to post old posts and deconstruct things to show others where I was and where I am now. Mindsets that have shifted. I want to share my journey with those who genuinely care.

Short Coming Out Story

          I came out to my best friend as bisexual on January 1st 2022. It's the first time I ever used that word to describe my experience. I had only shared anything about my sexuality when it was a confession. "I struggle with homosexual thoughts". Something I was bringing to be prayed over. To be delivered from. It would never become my "identity" because thats what the "world" was trying to tell me it should be. 

         In the moments leading up to coming out on new years day, I began to realize something. This thing inside of me wasn't changing. This part of me wasn't leaving. No matter how many times I prayed, declared or pretended it wasn't there, I still felt attraction to women. And if you are anything like the me from only one and a half years ago, you are probably feeling a lot of things. Maybe: "It's a sin struggle! It doesn't just go away sometimes. You have to fight. It's like addictions. It won't always go away, but you can make it easier."      "I wonder who got into her head. My heart breaks for her. She's not finding freedom this way, it's more chains. Only Jesus brings freedom and walking in a sin like homosexuality is chains." .....Something like that is probably what I would have thought. I also had a deep belief that choosing homosexuality was one of the hardest sins to come out of. That if someone accepted themselves and chose to be with someone, then they were probably never coming back to Jesus. .... Oops. Maybe I was right to think that. But I'll talk more about this "slippery slope" in another post. It's still a process at this point. 

              2022 was probably one of my favorite years because I was finally welcoming in the piece of me. The piece of me that was locked out of the house—shivering in the cold. I finally opened the door and she steps in —clothes damp from the snow. I place her down on the sofa of my heart and give her some tea. Taking a look at her, she's not as scary or big as I originally thought. Though, I had only seen her through the tainted windows. She sips her tea and looks around. She's human. She's...normal? Almost boring. Yet, at the same time fascinating and beautiful. I can't take my eyes off her. I give her new clothes and a room in the house. She's kind, but her fingers and toes ache with frostbite. She was out there a long time. Parts of her numb from the neglect. Who is she? What is she like? 2022 was a year of talking with this piece of me. Listening to her. Watching her. I'm finally free to accept her. I'm finally free to call her a part of me. 

(Totally didn't have that story planned. So sorry its kinda sappy but I like it). 

     

         My label is "queer". It's become a beautiful word for me. I like it. I'm still getting to know this part of me and so I am learning. If you read through this thank you so much!!