I DON'T CARE (No god has ever actually gotten me through this before)

This photo was taken 30 minutes from the clock striking 12 and ending my twenties. The big THREE ZERO. So special! Seconds after, I broke into tears. I'm living a nightmare I've known was coming. Working. and not just babysitting here and there and picking up odd jobs or working from 8:30 to 2pm five days a week. No. The kind of; "working from 7:30am to 11:30pm". THAT kind of working day. The one where I run into the affects of saying "yes please" to a full time job and a part time job. "boo Hoo". Honestly, so many people have to do this and you don't see them posting about it on their blogspot whining how their life is "so hard" and "a nightmare". I don't disagree. I completly agree. And I don't care. "I don't care". I don't care. I. Don't. Care. I have never dreamed of labor. "Dream job?" There wasn't one. Sure, some things sounded interesting. But to find something I want to do for 40 or more hours, 5 days a week?! Who cares that much about one thing? I'll tip my hat to the church for this one; being able to go into "mission" work and enjoy the love of my life for 7 years. Japan! Not much work and all my friends lived in one place. Not a bad "job". No work accountabuility and little responsibility. But, I couldn't keep going. And one big factor that sent me coreening back to the states happened to be depression. ...... The day before I turned 30, my depression spiked. The world around me was spinning and I couldn't get my head above water and my very body was pulling me under deeper and deeper until all I could do was stop flailing my arms and give up. Stop. Slow. "I don't care." "I don't even want to be here." "I wish I was never born." "Why do I have to care? Why do I have to smile? Why do I have to make YOU feel good when I Don't Care?" .......Fuck this. Sorry. FUCK this. I owe this world nothing. ....... Thank you for coming to my TED talk. ....... Why post here on this "deconstruction" blog? My first thought was "facebook" for whatever reason. Pehaps to fill the emptyness? Giving people a "hint" that I was drowning. Waving my arms from under the waves just enough that someone might notice. "Oh! Someones drowning!" But no. I made the wise desicion to take a deep breath and process here instead. This post is my raw process. Uncut close up. Haha. I don't care. Why should you? It's because I walked away from God that I feel this way. It's because I don't pray and call out to him. "Father, Father! Why did I forsake you? For my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak! I should have never denied you! Don't deny me in front of yourself!" ...If only I would turn to him. If only I would forsake my sinful ways and sinful thoughts and turn my heart back to him. Then his peace would fill my heart. His joy would cascade over my spirit like a rushing river! He's waiting for me! His heart wants me to look his way, to give him a glance even. Once I do He will take me back. Just like the father did. I don't believe these words. And not in the cute way, like when someone says "I love you" and you respond, "I don't believe you." No. I don't believe these words because I don't believe in god. Its as though someone said, "Santa Clause said he loves you." and I respond, "I don't believe you." In the time between my last post and now, I have shifted again in my internal system. An Athiest. An Agnostic Aithist, but an Athiest. What does all that have to do with the question of why I posted this here? It simply is because of what I wrote above. Because of those beliefs. "If I turn back he will ___". If I were standing before past Micaela, she would pray for me. She would ask to lay hands on me and pray that I would encounter god. HER idea of god. Her loving and "gracious" father. She would believe one day he would do it. He would encounter her. He would heal or ease her depression. ...Ironically, past Micaela is me. The one in front of herself. I know her. No matter how many times she turned to him, he wasn't there. No matter how many times she felt depressed and picked herself back up or found friends to lean on, that god was not there. She gave him the credit though. He saved her. He gave her hope and peace and joy. At least thats what she knew he promised. He said he would, so he will. I believe because he said it. He did? Because they said he would. Because that book says he will. I believe it. Thats why I post this here. Because depression is just that. Depression. I have it. A lot of people do. It's where I am. It sucks so much. I hate it here. I struggle not to resent my own loving parents simply because of depression. It's not gone. Right now as I write this I feel so dead inside. So uninterested in life and hate being around those who are. It's hard to spend all day pushing yourself to do every single thing. Even walking down a hallway or answering a question with a smile. Or deciding what to eat. The only desire I have is for everything to stop so I can find a corner, make my nest of comfort and curl up inside for as long as I want. It simply is. And no god has ever gotten me through this before, so I don't need him this time either.