Why Didn't It Matter?

I’ve been processing the heartbreaking election results over this week. The tears run as heavy as the heart. I find myself wondering why I never cared as much as I do now. 

Why — when I was a Christian — did politics seem so distant? Or less difficult?

            I believed what my Dad believed about politics. Hey, he was a good Christian man. Surely he is voting for godly things. He’s well informed and cares about us. Surely he knows best. That was my understanding. So, by his leading, I voted as a believer for Trump in 2020. I knew nothing about Trump or about his policies or how the government ran. (Still learning how it operates). I knew Trump was against the lgbtq community. But at the time, that was something I was against. I did believe it was a sin and god wanted to restore those broken and lost people to a wholesome life with him (in straight-ness). 

Just like me…not tormented inside or saddened ever. At all. Perfectly at peace. No issues in here. No confusion. Nope. None… 

 “— Their minds are occupied with earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we also await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:19-20 

          We are not of this earth. We are citizens of heaven. Our mind should be occupied with the concerns of heaven. Of God. Of his will. Of his glory. Being here on earth is so short. And gods got this! Jesus is coming back! I promise you, we are in the last days! We will always be ok no matter what. Because we are going to heaven and Jesus is coming to make everything right. 

 “Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” James 4:14

         I lived in this headspace. I am but a vapor. A split moment of time in gods plans. I am meant for heaven. I think some of my lack of need to jump into politics came from this too. 

               People. One of the more common things I hear towards people who deconstruct is — “You listened to people”. Saying the reason we chose to leave was only because we listened to the wrong people. Or, you were hurt by people. You made your decision to leave based on people, not god. 

The RIGHT thing to do is lean into god. 

Listen only to god. 

If you had just done that. If only… Ironic. A lot of people’s only insight into politics are through other people. 

           I’ve noticed there is a lack of research. A lack of critical thinking. A lack of a lot of things but I digress. 

           I listened to people around me. My pastors and mentors. My Christian peers and Christian parents and grandparents. I believed them. I believed their words. 

    “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Ezekiel 36:26-27 

 “Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” 1John 2:15 

           Cognitive Dissonance. As I wrote about in one of my later posts — there was always a sense of not being able to trust myself. It doesn’t matter what we feel or think. What does god think? What does god say (in his word)? It says not to be of this world. It says do not love the things of this world. It says he will change my heart and mind. Give me a new mind. Says that I am set apart. Says that he will teach me to love what he loves and hate what he hates. 

What is “of this world”? Sin. Sin is of this world. Therefore, I have to figure out what that looks like in my “world” today. Well, it really makes me feel love and happiness when gay people are living happy lives. when they can love who they love. I feel fascinated and intrigued by trans people. I think they are beautiful and brave. But, that is “of this world” and a sin. Influenced by evil. Therefore, I am against it. Uh oh. I need to be made more whole in Christ. Uhg my flesh is so evil! How could I love evil?! How could I!? It shows that the father is not in me enough! (Ew). But I digress. 

            Again. Point being, often my body, mind and heart felt and believed one thing. But I must believe this other thing that contradicts it. And therein lies the cognitive dissonance. Small side point: I believed a talking snake spoke to a real woman in a real garden and she ate a real fruit that let sin into our world forever and thats why people kill people. Basically. So, when someone says “the leftists are influenced by the devil” I gosh darn was going to believe it.

 I believed crazier things anyway. 

 I didn’t need to understand politics. I was more at peace when I didn’t know what was happening. (Honestly, still true and real). But once I came out. Once I started listening to those in minority groups. Those in spaces that the church was hurting, I couldn’t not try to understand on a deeper level. What is happening now? Why is this happening now? How can I be apart of change? Once I listened to my heart and the hearts of others, I needed to know. Once I lived in this world with the people beside me, I had to open my eyes. I had to know. And I still have a lot to learn! I still have to weed through lies and misinformation all the time! It’s not easy and sometimes it’s boring reading. But I care now. I really really care about other people now! It‘s painful. It’s exhausting. But finally my heart and body feel aligned. 

                   I can also say for those who might be reading and disagree. That’s ok. I personally am more afraid of our countries democracy falling apart. I am more afraid we will become a theocracy that a man who desires dictatorship will allow just so he can have the power. I am more afraid that he has pushed all the boundaries and America just said to his face, “you can get away with whatever you want and you will still be on top”. Which is perfect fuel. 

 So don’t worry, if you think I am only sad and afraid because trans people will have even more oppression and laws written against them — that isn’t my top fear. 

 Don’t worry, if you roll your eyes and think I'm just afraid because children who get raped by family members and become pregnant will be forced to give birth in most states — this isn’t my top list of fears. Don’t worry, if you face palm and say I don’t understand. I get it. Prices will go down. Enacting higher tariffs will work. Yeah, deport all our cheep labor workers, up tariffs so companies will be forced to hire in America causing prices to go up because we demand higher wages and cost of goods goes up because of tariffs and because our goods cost more. 

Don’t worry. That will work great. I am tired. I feel betrayed by family and my country. I am confused. Embarrassed and scared. But just as much, I am so so SO OVERWHELMINGLY grateful that I am no longer who I used to be. A believer.