Moments Of Envy

 

    I’ve been contemplating my “path” in life. In the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once, we see different lives the main character could have lived if she had chosen different things (or lived in a different universe). What is the life of Micaela who never left Japan? Did Micaela stay and find love with a Christian man? Does she still believe?  I bet she still worships till her anxiety subsides — believing she won the fight in an enemy attack. Wow. I actually started envying her. She is unaware of the world around her — in a way. She believes there is ONE being who dwells in a place where she will one day join him. Paradise. Nothing truly will matter here on earth, because it’s all about his glory and the life after death we will live with him. The world will end. Because God wants it to. Therefore, what is there to fear? He’s got this. It’s meant to be. I envy the rush of excitement. The feeling of believing something so grand. Maybe I wouldn’t mind trading places with her?

         The Micaela who left Japan and learned that everything she once believed was a lie, is ok. She’s not swarmed with tormenting demons every night or on drugs because nothing can fill her heart. She’s ok. But she’s also scared. She’s scared because now the world is entirely in the hands of human beings. There is no savior who will change anything — even after death. This is it. The suffering of all those around her cannot be solved by invisible means anymore. She stands frozen — itching to pray but knowing now there’s no parting of the heavens. There’s no Psalms 18 god furiously saving anyone. It’s just us. It’s just her. She’s ok. But the world is so much more complex than it ever was before. 

         I have always feared the future. But, it’s different now. There is no comfort in, “You are with me” anymore. There is no answer or a fix it all solution like there used to be. Why wouldn’t that be scary? 

          My brief moments of envying the complacent and comforted by fairy tales Micaela brushes past me. I am satisfied again. I find hope in those who stand up for the broken and hurting. I cheer for unity of people coming together for causes. I praise the doctors, the scientists and first responders who risk their lives and time for others. We are all there is. And, as tired as I am of humans, I am also very impressed and touched by them. We are a fascinating species. So, in all sincerity — I hope she’s living her best life in our parallel universe. I hope she’s enjoying the steam of the lies she soaks in. No harm, just where she’s at. Good for her.