*This post may be a bit choppy.*
I sat my phone down and stood up. My body feeling stiff and shaken with…what? Anger? Why do I feel so shitty? Why did those messages between us feel so…icky? What is this anger mixed with disgust?
“Jesus gave free medical care to the poor. A Christian nation would, too.”
A church sign on the side of the road was shown on facebook. I shared this in my story creating a short conversation between myself and my childhood pastors wife.
“While I agree with the sentiment…Jesus’ medical care didn’t cost him any money. — Where do you propose we get that money from? It’s not that easy.”
Is what she begins with.
“And we should pray for our leadership. God can use a donkey so he can use broken people.” (Shortened).
“I don’t want a donkey.” I reply. I don’t want to give a donkey power over so many peoples lives. Over poor peoples lives. I don’t want a donkey cutting care to children and helpless people and “othering” so many human beings. Maybe raise the bar?
Also, what do you expect? It’s just a short and simple sign that calls out the hypocrisy of Christian nationalists. It’s not going to read:
“Jesus gave free medical care to the poor. A Christian nation would, too. But its really complicated and Jesus didn’t have to pay for all the medicine and everything else but in an ideal world here’s some ways it can happen and its not really the governments fault that the healthcare system is so greedy but we could maybe use taxes to fund it but then we might be socialists so maybe thats not good we don’t want that because grandpa told me it’s bad blah blah blah”.
No.
It simply said what it needed to.
“Jesus cared. You don’t.”
I write:
“I’m an atheist now. — I know once you know where I’m coming from, my words will mean less. — I’m just very concerned and feel betrayed by my family and the Christian’s I listened to my whole life. I found out MAJOR life beliefs were a lie.”
“I’ve sensed the anger in a few posts I’ve seen- — If I had just taken better care of my timing and used better wisdom, I would have just asked you how you are. —- I am so sorry, Micaela! Not only for my arrogance but for the betrayal your heart has endured! — For what it’s worth, I’m praying for you to find truth. Not my truth. Not anyone else’s truth. Just the truth. I’m praying for comfort and peace for your heart and mind.”
Her words slithered off the screen. Why?
I know where she’s coming from. Have people outside of that headspace always felt this from us? Is this what I sounded like to my sisters? To friends?
I’m A N G R Y.
Why aren’t you?
You say you care about the poor. But you support and cheer for the ones who dismantle the department of education, USAID, Medicare and Medicaid. You snatch away your hands from those reaching for help. “Get a job!” Knowing full well that minimum wage in this country is not a livable wage. “They should work harder! Be like me!”
You say you care about children. Stand up and protest “killing babies”. Under NO conditions is abortion ok in your book. Not even in cases of r*pe, child r*pe, incest r*pe, ectopic pregnancies, baby’s organs being outside the baby body, or any other common issue.
“They shouldn’t have had sex!”
And when we scream, “If you care about the children, then let’s ban assault weapons! Making owning guns more difficult and have more legal restraints! Children who are alive right now, are dying.”
“If we don’t have our guns, then when the government comes for us, how will we protect ourselves?? Or when the government takes control of the country, people might try to kill us for our money and our food. Then what?!” (No lie. Literally heard people I know closely explain this to me).
These are fears unmanifested.
And unlikely your single gun would go up against military weaponry. But I digress.
Hypocrisy.
I’m angry about YOUR hypocrisy.
“I should have asked how you were. Because you are clearly unwell. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better Christian to you. I hope you find peace and I hope you find god.”
Shut off.
I am a good person. I care about you, just like Jesus does. Don’t you feel it? Oh honey, don’t be so angry about silly things. I know you don’t understand. You are away from god. Therefore, you feel nothing but anger, anxiety, stress and terrible things all the time. I hope you find peace.
PART 2
G A S L I G H T I N G
I’ve felt the most crazy I’ve ever felt after getting into politics.
I avoided it for a long time as a christian. I thought it was boring (sometimes still is). I didn’t get it and there were too many things to keep up with. And why should I “be informed”? I just need to trust god and focus on my relationship with him above all else.
But then I came out.
I met gay people. I met trans people. I listened to drag queens and queer people. Something shifted.
“We just want to live our best lives as who we are. Free.”
Why can’t they? Who’s stopping them?
Oh right. Me. I was. And people who believe what I believed deeply want to stop them.
I don’t want this blog to be a political one. But, because the church and state separation is being ignored, the church is all up inside our government right now. They are not married. This is an affair. A slimy, greedy, disgusting affair.
____
“Our country was founded on Christian values.”
No.
It wasn’t.
*Sigh* “Yes it was, sweet heart. You’re just being lied to by the woke left.”
——-
“They are killing babies outside the womb! Right when they pop out!”
No.
They aren’t. And if they were, that’s already a crime.
*sigh* “No darlin’, There are real stories. That woke left liberal agenda has brainwashed you.”
——-
“He didn’t do a na*zi salute! His heart just goes out to us!”
Then you do it.
“Oh dearest love, that left media fake news keeps getting to you.”
———
“Ukrain started the war i bet! Just like he said! Our president was right to yell at that greedy dictator!”
RUSSIA STARTED THE WAR. PUTIN IS THE DICTATOR.
“Oh cupcakes sweet cheeks, gods got this. War is so bad. We just don’t know who’s right and wrong. Stop listening to all the radical liberal fake news.”
_____
“Trans people are trying to take our children! Trying to turn them gay and chop off their genitals! They want to assault women in bathrooms!”
No. So far from that. (There’s too many things to say to combat this and complex individual situations that should be none of the government’s business nor yours).
*gasp* “So you think we should give surgeries to children to cut them up? Sweet love cheeks butter muffin, the brainwashing the radical left lunatics are doing is getting to you. You need to wake up.”
____
Gaslighting.
“What you’re seeing, you’re not seeing.”
As I sit in the piles of “no’s”, “thats a lie”s and “woke” blurs, I find myself doubting what I read. What I find and study. Doubting my critical thinking and ability to process information. I triple check myself. I have multiple apps that are focused on non-biased takes and showcase all sides and their biases. What makes me so uneasy? Why can’t I trust myself? Why can’t I trust anyone?
Oh.
Right.
The gaslighting was always in me. It was how I grew up. I clung to gaslighting tactics to stay inside a tribe. To cling to what was “truth”.
As a child, I heard the stories of Jesus and bible characters daily. During bed time, at church, at home where I was schooled on biblical truths.
I kept it a secret to myself but, I thought god was selfish.
______
“Worship me or be thrown to the snakes? Seems…self centered?”
“Well honey, god knows that he’s the only way to eternal life. He’s being so kind.”
______
“Didn’t god create sin? Why would we get punished if he knew we were going to do what he made us to do?”
“Well love, he’s good. He made a way so we can turn to him and be saved. He’s so loving.”
______
“God sacrificed himself to himself, to save us from himself.”
“We can’t understand god’s ways. For he is greater than our understanding.”
____
“Why did god —“
“We can’t understand his ways. For his thoughts our higher than our thoughts and his ways higher than our ways.”
_____
I did this to myself for so long. I did this to my sister. It didn’t matter what questions would arise. God is always higher. He’s always good no matter what I read in the Bible that makes me feel otherwise. The truth is the truth.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed with all I need to learn and all that I don’t know.
I’m constantly checking myself. Constantly questioning every thought or “belief” or evidence I see.
What if it’s a lie again? I’ve fallen for so many lies. Not just the lie that there was a god (though it was not told to me deliberately as a lie. Truly those in my life believe/believed it.). I’ve fallen for political prospectives that carried lies or half truths. I’ve hated on whole people groups because of misconceptions and misinformation.
It’s happened to me. I’m so worried it will happen again.
There’s so much I don’t know.
Please stop gaslighting me.
God fucking bless I guess,
The Angry Atheist — Micaela
