I try to never show my depression on social media. I don’t want my Christian friends and family to see it.
Not giving them a chance to have the “high ground”, feels accurate. But so does protecting myself from the accusations of those beliefs I once had.
On this blog, I hope to connect my now self with my past self. As though they are two separate entities. So, this particular topic is perfect to expand on.
“Unbeliever”.
The unbeliever wakes up with voices pounding in their head. The unbeliever’s heart is full of grief, stress and anxiety all while feeling completely empty at the same time. The unbeliever is disconnected from all truth. What they think is truth is a lie. All the love they know is minuscule in comparison. All the love they give is because of God. All the kindness they have is really God. They have never known peace. They have no understanding of good or bad. All they know is selfishness and heartache.
“They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.” Ephesians 4:18 (ESV)
“Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God.”
Hebrews 3:12 (ESV)
“— The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds; there is none who does good.” Psalms 14:1 (ESV)
What if it’s true?
Micaela (the angry atheist) wakes up. Not to voices in her head but to a dog whimpering or barking. She sees to their needs and crawls back in bed. A pinch of anxiety enters her heart, “I’m afraid to make new friends.” She rolls over and feels her body grow ten pounds heavier, “I don’t understand life.” “I don’t want to do life.”
“I’m tired.” “I’m lonely.” “I’m angry.” “I’m hopeless.” I’m depressed.
Micaela of the past has empathy. Of corse! She’s been there! Her face buried in the hot water of the shower for the 3erd time in 9 hours. The heat unable to wash away the pain in her chest. But at least it soothes. She keeps the air conditioning on and the curtains closed to the outside world. Her body numb of feeling, yet shes scheduled to arrive with a smile in fifteen minutes. She doesn’t care. No one cares about her anyway. No one is here. Well, except God. Thank God! He’s here! Lift your head, you weary and tired soul. He will heal you. He will touch your heart and make it whole. He will comfort you. Again, this year too, surely. He will. If not him, then a prayer. A prayer will comfort you. If not, a song! A song will bring the freedom you have needed. If not, then dig deeper! It’s there! You just have to open your heart more to God. He will guide you through the desert. He will. But I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m depressed. So now what, God? Where are you? Why can’t I do this right? What more do I need to surrender? What else can I do to partner with your love so that I can be free?
Micaela (the angry atheist) takes a deep breath. She washes her face. Good job. She eats her food. Gold Star! She lays back down. That’s ok. Her therapist meets her in an hour, so she has time. Would a song be comforting? Would a tv show? Should she journal? Maybe a hot shower to soothe the heart. Whatever the decision, we will get through today. People who love her want to see her better. So changing medicine, taking walks, spending time with friends and being gracious all might help with her future. She’s alive so she has to live.
No need to surrender to someone who doesn’t speak clearly. No need to worship something to try and pull herself off the floor. Just, existing in it. That’s all one can do.
“But they don’t know that”.
Don’t show your sadness. Don’t show anxiety.
Their prayers for me might say:
“God, you have her. God, you know her. You are with her. She has tasted and seen that you are good. Show her that you are real and that you love her.”
I feel it inside me. I feel the Micaela of the past. She prayed those prayers and thought those thoughts. They were “of the world” so her heart ached with sorrow for them. For her friends who left. To her family members who “weren’t Christian”. She believed an “unbeliever” was suffering much greater than the suffering she felt. How could it not be? They have no one to cling to. They have no peace! Without God, there is no peace!
But she was wrong. She felt no peace. She felt moments of comfort. She felt soothed by the thoughts of her mind. She found arms around her fill her heart with human love. She felt guilt and anger when she couldn’t surrender hard enough. When she couldn’t lay down her selfishness she would beat herself. Never giving enough to god. But also being all he wants at the same time. The cognitive dissonance worked hard every day.
Today? Today Micaela doesn’t want to get out of bed. She feels moments of comfort. When arms wrap around her it fills her with human love. She feels anger that she can’t get better. She feels sad. She’s depressed. And that’s just her. Probably forever a struggle and that’s just her. Like it ALWAYS has been. No god changed her. She is who she has been.
I don’t want to go back. Sometimes, in my low times I worry I might. Perhaps it’s stubbornness to be right. Or stubbornness to prove people wrong. A piece of it feels like a fight for myself. A fight for autonomy. I was rescued by myself and going back would be a trap unable to be escaped from.
