The Unbeliever

 

                  I try to never show my depression on social media. I don’t want my Christian friends and family to see it.

Not giving them a chance to have the “high ground”, feels accurate. But so does protecting myself from the accusations of those beliefs I once had.

  On this blog, I hope to connect my now self with my past self. As though they are two separate entities. So, this particular topic is perfect to expand on. 

        “Unbeliever”. 

  The unbeliever wakes up with voices pounding in their head. The unbeliever’s heart is full of grief, stress and anxiety all while feeling completely empty at the same time. The unbeliever is disconnected from all truth. What they think is truth is a lie. All the love they know is minuscule in comparison. All the love they give is because of God. All the kindness they have is really God. They have never known peace. They have no understanding of good or bad. All they know is selfishness and heartache.  

“They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.” Ephesians 4:18 (ESV)

“Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God.” 

Hebrews 3:12 (ESV)

“— The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds; there is none who does good.” Psalms 14:1 (ESV)

    What if it’s true? 

         Micaela (the angry atheist) wakes up. Not to voices in her head but to a dog whimpering or barking. She sees to their needs and crawls back in bed. A pinch of anxiety enters her heart, “I’m afraid to make new friends.” She rolls over and feels her body grow ten pounds heavier, “I don’t understand life.” “I don’t want to do life.” 

“I’m tired.” “I’m lonely.” “I’m angry.” “I’m hopeless.” I’m depressed. 

       Micaela of the past has empathy. Of corse! She’s been there! Her face buried in the hot water of the shower for the 3erd time in 9 hours. The heat unable to wash away the pain in her chest. But at least it soothes. She keeps the air conditioning on and the curtains closed to the outside world. Her body numb of feeling, yet shes scheduled to arrive with a smile in fifteen minutes. She doesn’t care. No one cares about her anyway. No one is here. Well, except God. Thank God! He’s here! Lift your head, you weary and tired soul. He will heal you. He will touch your heart and make it whole. He will comfort you. Again, this year too, surely. He will. If not him, then a prayer. A prayer will comfort you. If not, a song! A song will bring the freedom you have needed. If not, then dig deeper! It’s there! You just have to open your heart more to God. He will guide you through the desert. He will. But I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m depressed. So now what, God? Where are you? Why can’t I do this right? What more do I need to surrender? What else can I do to partner with your love so that I can be free? 

      Micaela (the angry atheist) takes a deep breath. She washes her face. Good job. She eats her food. Gold Star! She lays back down. That’s ok. Her therapist meets her in an hour, so she has time. Would a song be comforting? Would a tv show? Should she journal? Maybe a hot shower to soothe the heart. Whatever the decision, we will get through today. People who love her want to see her better. So changing medicine, taking walks, spending time with friends and being gracious all might help with her future. She’s alive so she has to live. 

No need to surrender to someone who doesn’t speak clearly. No need to worship something to try and pull herself off the floor. Just, existing in it. That’s all one can do. 

      “But they don’t know that”. 

Don’t show your sadness. Don’t show anxiety. 

Their prayers for me might say:

“God, you have her. God, you know her. You are with her. She has tasted and seen that you are good. Show her that you are real and that you love her.”

I feel it inside me. I feel the Micaela of the past. She prayed those prayers and thought those thoughts. They were “of the world” so her heart ached with sorrow for them. For her friends who left. To her family members who “weren’t Christian”. She believed an “unbeliever” was suffering much greater than the suffering she felt. How could it not be? They have no one to cling to. They have no peace! Without God, there is no peace! 

But she was wrong. She felt no peace. She felt moments of comfort. She felt soothed by the thoughts of her mind. She found arms around her fill her heart with human love. She felt guilt and anger when she couldn’t surrender hard enough. When she couldn’t lay down her selfishness she would beat herself. Never giving enough to god. But also being all he wants at the same time. The cognitive dissonance worked hard every day. 

Today? Today Micaela doesn’t want to get out of bed. She feels moments of comfort. When arms wrap around her it fills her with human love. She feels anger that she can’t get better. She feels sad. She’s depressed. And that’s just her. Probably forever a struggle and that’s just her. Like it ALWAYS has been. No god changed her. She is who she has been. 

       I don’t want to go back. Sometimes, in my low times I worry I might. Perhaps it’s stubbornness to be right. Or stubbornness to prove people wrong. A piece of it feels like a fight for myself. A fight for autonomy. I was rescued by myself and going back would be a trap unable to be escaped from. 

HYPOCRISY and GASLIGHTING

             *This post may be a bit choppy.*

         I sat my phone down and stood up. My body feeling stiff and shaken with…what? Anger? Why do I feel so shitty? Why did those messages between us feel so…icky? What is this anger mixed with disgust?

  “Jesus gave free medical care to the poor. A Christian nation would, too.” 

 A church sign on the side of the road was shown on facebook. I shared this in my story creating a short conversation between myself and my childhood pastors wife. 

    “While I agree with the sentiment…Jesus’ medical care didn’t cost him any money. — Where do you propose we get that money from? It’s not that easy.” 

Is what she begins with.

“And we should pray for our leadership. God can use a donkey so he can use broken people.” (Shortened). 

 

  “I don’t want a donkey.” I reply. I don’t want to give a donkey power over so many peoples lives. Over poor peoples lives. I don’t want a donkey cutting care to children and helpless people and “othering” so many human beings. Maybe raise the bar? 

Also, what do you expect? It’s just a short and simple sign that calls out the hypocrisy of Christian nationalists. It’s not going to read: 

 

“Jesus gave free medical care to the poor. A Christian nation would, too. But its really complicated and Jesus didn’t have to pay for all the medicine and everything else but in an ideal world here’s some ways it can happen and its not really the governments fault that the healthcare system is so greedy but we could maybe use taxes to fund it but then we might be socialists so maybe thats not good we don’t want that because grandpa told me it’s bad blah blah blah”. 

No. 

     It simply said what it needed to. 

  “Jesus cared. You don’t.” 

I write: 

  “I’m an atheist now. — I know once you know where I’m coming from, my words will mean less. — I’m just very concerned and feel betrayed by my family and the Christian’s I listened to my whole life. I found out MAJOR life beliefs were a lie.” 

        “I’ve sensed the anger in a few posts I’ve seen- — If I had just taken better care of my timing and used better wisdom, I would have just asked you how you are. —- I am so sorry, Micaela! Not only for my arrogance but for the betrayal your heart has endured! — For what it’s worth, I’m praying for you to find truth. Not my truth. Not anyone else’s truth. Just the truth. I’m praying for comfort and peace for your heart and mind.” 

 Her words slithered off the screen. Why?

I know where she’s coming from. Have people outside of that headspace always felt this from us? Is this what I sounded like to my sisters? To friends? 

I’m A N G R Y. 

Why aren’t you? 

You say you care about the poor. But you support and cheer for the ones who dismantle the department of education, USAID, Medicare and Medicaid. You snatch away your hands from those reaching for help. “Get a job!” Knowing full well that minimum wage in this country is not a livable wage. “They should work harder! Be like me!” 

You say you care about children. Stand up and protest “killing babies”. Under NO conditions is abortion ok in your book. Not even in cases of r*pe, child r*pe, incest r*pe, ectopic pregnancies, baby’s organs being outside the baby body, or any other common issue. 

“They shouldn’t have had sex!”

And when we scream, “If you care about the children, then let’s ban assault weapons! Making owning guns more difficult and have more legal restraints! Children who are alive right now, are dying.”

“If we don’t have our guns, then when the government comes for us, how will we protect ourselves?? Or when the government takes control of the country, people might try to kill us for our money and our food. Then what?!” (No lie. Literally heard people I know closely explain this to me). 

These are fears unmanifested. 

And unlikely your single gun would go up against military weaponry. But I digress. 

    Hypocrisy. 

I’m angry about YOUR hypocrisy. 

“I should have asked how you were. Because you are clearly unwell. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better Christian to you. I hope you find peace and I hope you find god.” 

   Shut off. 

I am a good person. I care about you, just like Jesus does. Don’t you feel it? Oh honey, don’t be so angry about silly things. I know you don’t understand. You are away from god. Therefore, you feel nothing but anger, anxiety, stress and terrible things all the time. I hope you find peace. 

  

                           PART 2

              G A S L I G H T I N G

   I’ve felt the most crazy I’ve ever felt after getting into politics. 

I avoided it for a long time as a christian. I thought it was boring (sometimes still is). I didn’t get it and there were too many things to keep up with. And why should I “be informed”? I just need to trust god and focus on my relationship with him above all else. 

But then I came out.

I met gay people. I met trans people. I listened to drag queens and queer people. Something shifted. 

“We just want to live our best lives as who we are. Free.” 

Why can’t they? Who’s stopping them? 

Oh right. Me. I was. And people who believe what I believed deeply want to stop them. 

    I don’t want this blog to be a political one. But, because the church and state separation is being ignored, the church is all up inside our government right now. They are not married. This is an affair. A slimy, greedy, disgusting affair. 

____

   “Our country was founded on Christian values.” 

No.

It wasn’t. 

*Sigh* “Yes it was, sweet heart. You’re just being lied to by the woke left.” 

——-

“They are killing babies outside the womb! Right when they pop out!” 

No. 

They aren’t. And if they were, that’s already a crime.

*sigh* “No darlin’, There are real stories. That woke left liberal agenda has brainwashed you.” 

——-

“He didn’t do a na*zi salute! His heart just goes out to us!”

Then you do it. 

“Oh dearest love, that left media fake news keeps getting to you.”

———

“Ukrain started the war i bet! Just like he said! Our president was right to yell at that greedy dictator!” 

RUSSIA STARTED THE WAR. PUTIN IS THE DICTATOR. 

“Oh cupcakes sweet cheeks, gods got this. War is so bad. We just don’t know who’s right and wrong. Stop listening to all the radical liberal fake news.”

_____

“Trans people are trying to take our children! Trying to turn them gay and chop off their genitals! They want to assault women in bathrooms!”

No. So far from that. (There’s too many things to say to combat this and complex individual situations that should be none of the government’s business nor yours).

*gasp* “So you think we should give surgeries to children to cut them up? Sweet love cheeks butter muffin, the brainwashing the radical left lunatics are doing is getting to you. You need to wake up.”

____ 

      Gaslighting.

“What you’re seeing, you’re not seeing.”

    As I sit in the piles of “no’s”, “thats a lie”s and “woke” blurs, I find myself doubting what I read. What I find and study. Doubting my critical thinking and ability to process information. I triple check myself. I have multiple apps that are focused on non-biased takes and showcase all sides and their biases. What makes me so uneasy? Why can’t I trust myself? Why can’t I trust anyone?

Oh.

Right. 

The gaslighting was always in me. It was how I grew up. I clung to gaslighting tactics to stay inside a tribe. To cling to what was “truth”. 

      As a child, I heard the stories of Jesus and bible characters daily. During bed time, at church, at home where I was schooled on biblical truths. 

I kept it a secret to myself but, I thought god was selfish. 

______

“Worship me or be thrown to the snakes? Seems…self centered?”

 “Well honey, god knows that he’s the only way to eternal life. He’s being so kind.”

______

“Didn’t god create sin? Why would we get punished if he knew we were going to do what he made us to do?”

“Well love, he’s good. He made a way so we can turn to him and be saved. He’s so loving.”

______

“God sacrificed himself to himself, to save us from himself.” 

“We can’t understand god’s ways. For he is greater than our understanding.” 

____

“Why did god —“

“We can’t understand his ways. For his thoughts our higher than our thoughts and his ways higher than our ways.”

_____

I did this to myself for so long. I did this to my sister. It didn’t matter what questions would arise. God is always higher. He’s always good no matter what I read in the Bible that makes me feel otherwise. The truth is the truth. 

   I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed with all I need to learn and all that I don’t know. 

I’m constantly checking myself. Constantly questioning every thought or “belief” or evidence I see.

What if it’s a lie again? I’ve fallen for so many lies. Not just the lie that there was a god (though it was not told to me deliberately as a lie. Truly those in my life believe/believed it.). I’ve fallen for political prospectives that carried lies or half truths. I’ve hated on whole people groups because of misconceptions and misinformation. 

It’s happened to me. I’m so worried it will happen again.

There’s so much I don’t know. 

Please stop gaslighting me.

God fucking bless I guess, 

The Angry Atheist — Micaela 

Moments Of Envy

 

    I’ve been contemplating my “path” in life. In the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once, we see different lives the main character could have lived if she had chosen different things (or lived in a different universe). What is the life of Micaela who never left Japan? Did Micaela stay and find love with a Christian man? Does she still believe?  I bet she still worships till her anxiety subsides — believing she won the fight in an enemy attack. Wow. I actually started envying her. She is unaware of the world around her — in a way. She believes there is ONE being who dwells in a place where she will one day join him. Paradise. Nothing truly will matter here on earth, because it’s all about his glory and the life after death we will live with him. The world will end. Because God wants it to. Therefore, what is there to fear? He’s got this. It’s meant to be. I envy the rush of excitement. The feeling of believing something so grand. Maybe I wouldn’t mind trading places with her?

         The Micaela who left Japan and learned that everything she once believed was a lie, is ok. She’s not swarmed with tormenting demons every night or on drugs because nothing can fill her heart. She’s ok. But she’s also scared. She’s scared because now the world is entirely in the hands of human beings. There is no savior who will change anything — even after death. This is it. The suffering of all those around her cannot be solved by invisible means anymore. She stands frozen — itching to pray but knowing now there’s no parting of the heavens. There’s no Psalms 18 god furiously saving anyone. It’s just us. It’s just her. She’s ok. But the world is so much more complex than it ever was before. 

         I have always feared the future. But, it’s different now. There is no comfort in, “You are with me” anymore. There is no answer or a fix it all solution like there used to be. Why wouldn’t that be scary? 

          My brief moments of envying the complacent and comforted by fairy tales Micaela brushes past me. I am satisfied again. I find hope in those who stand up for the broken and hurting. I cheer for unity of people coming together for causes. I praise the doctors, the scientists and first responders who risk their lives and time for others. We are all there is. And, as tired as I am of humans, I am also very impressed and touched by them. We are a fascinating species. So, in all sincerity — I hope she’s living her best life in our parallel universe. I hope she’s enjoying the steam of the lies she soaks in. No harm, just where she’s at. Good for her. 

Why Didn't It Matter?

I’ve been processing the heartbreaking election results over this week. The tears run as heavy as the heart. I find myself wondering why I never cared as much as I do now. 

Why — when I was a Christian — did politics seem so distant? Or less difficult?

            I believed what my Dad believed about politics. Hey, he was a good Christian man. Surely he is voting for godly things. He’s well informed and cares about us. Surely he knows best. That was my understanding. So, by his leading, I voted as a believer for Trump in 2020. I knew nothing about Trump or about his policies or how the government ran. (Still learning how it operates). I knew Trump was against the lgbtq community. But at the time, that was something I was against. I did believe it was a sin and god wanted to restore those broken and lost people to a wholesome life with him (in straight-ness). 

Just like me…not tormented inside or saddened ever. At all. Perfectly at peace. No issues in here. No confusion. Nope. None… 

 “— Their minds are occupied with earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we also await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:19-20 

          We are not of this earth. We are citizens of heaven. Our mind should be occupied with the concerns of heaven. Of God. Of his will. Of his glory. Being here on earth is so short. And gods got this! Jesus is coming back! I promise you, we are in the last days! We will always be ok no matter what. Because we are going to heaven and Jesus is coming to make everything right. 

 “Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” James 4:14

         I lived in this headspace. I am but a vapor. A split moment of time in gods plans. I am meant for heaven. I think some of my lack of need to jump into politics came from this too. 

               People. One of the more common things I hear towards people who deconstruct is — “You listened to people”. Saying the reason we chose to leave was only because we listened to the wrong people. Or, you were hurt by people. You made your decision to leave based on people, not god. 

The RIGHT thing to do is lean into god. 

Listen only to god. 

If you had just done that. If only… Ironic. A lot of people’s only insight into politics are through other people. 

           I’ve noticed there is a lack of research. A lack of critical thinking. A lack of a lot of things but I digress. 

           I listened to people around me. My pastors and mentors. My Christian peers and Christian parents and grandparents. I believed them. I believed their words. 

    “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Ezekiel 36:26-27 

 “Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” 1John 2:15 

           Cognitive Dissonance. As I wrote about in one of my later posts — there was always a sense of not being able to trust myself. It doesn’t matter what we feel or think. What does god think? What does god say (in his word)? It says not to be of this world. It says do not love the things of this world. It says he will change my heart and mind. Give me a new mind. Says that I am set apart. Says that he will teach me to love what he loves and hate what he hates. 

What is “of this world”? Sin. Sin is of this world. Therefore, I have to figure out what that looks like in my “world” today. Well, it really makes me feel love and happiness when gay people are living happy lives. when they can love who they love. I feel fascinated and intrigued by trans people. I think they are beautiful and brave. But, that is “of this world” and a sin. Influenced by evil. Therefore, I am against it. Uh oh. I need to be made more whole in Christ. Uhg my flesh is so evil! How could I love evil?! How could I!? It shows that the father is not in me enough! (Ew). But I digress. 

            Again. Point being, often my body, mind and heart felt and believed one thing. But I must believe this other thing that contradicts it. And therein lies the cognitive dissonance. Small side point: I believed a talking snake spoke to a real woman in a real garden and she ate a real fruit that let sin into our world forever and thats why people kill people. Basically. So, when someone says “the leftists are influenced by the devil” I gosh darn was going to believe it.

 I believed crazier things anyway. 

 I didn’t need to understand politics. I was more at peace when I didn’t know what was happening. (Honestly, still true and real). But once I came out. Once I started listening to those in minority groups. Those in spaces that the church was hurting, I couldn’t not try to understand on a deeper level. What is happening now? Why is this happening now? How can I be apart of change? Once I listened to my heart and the hearts of others, I needed to know. Once I lived in this world with the people beside me, I had to open my eyes. I had to know. And I still have a lot to learn! I still have to weed through lies and misinformation all the time! It’s not easy and sometimes it’s boring reading. But I care now. I really really care about other people now! It‘s painful. It’s exhausting. But finally my heart and body feel aligned. 

                   I can also say for those who might be reading and disagree. That’s ok. I personally am more afraid of our countries democracy falling apart. I am more afraid we will become a theocracy that a man who desires dictatorship will allow just so he can have the power. I am more afraid that he has pushed all the boundaries and America just said to his face, “you can get away with whatever you want and you will still be on top”. Which is perfect fuel. 

 So don’t worry, if you think I am only sad and afraid because trans people will have even more oppression and laws written against them — that isn’t my top fear. 

 Don’t worry, if you roll your eyes and think I'm just afraid because children who get raped by family members and become pregnant will be forced to give birth in most states — this isn’t my top list of fears. Don’t worry, if you face palm and say I don’t understand. I get it. Prices will go down. Enacting higher tariffs will work. Yeah, deport all our cheep labor workers, up tariffs so companies will be forced to hire in America causing prices to go up because we demand higher wages and cost of goods goes up because of tariffs and because our goods cost more. 

Don’t worry. That will work great. I am tired. I feel betrayed by family and my country. I am confused. Embarrassed and scared. But just as much, I am so so SO OVERWHELMINGLY grateful that I am no longer who I used to be. A believer.

I DON'T CARE (No god has ever actually gotten me through this before)

This photo was taken 30 minutes from the clock striking 12 and ending my twenties. The big THREE ZERO. So special! Seconds after, I broke into tears. I'm living a nightmare I've known was coming. Working. and not just babysitting here and there and picking up odd jobs or working from 8:30 to 2pm five days a week. No. The kind of; "working from 7:30am to 11:30pm". THAT kind of working day. The one where I run into the affects of saying "yes please" to a full time job and a part time job. "boo Hoo". Honestly, so many people have to do this and you don't see them posting about it on their blogspot whining how their life is "so hard" and "a nightmare". I don't disagree. I completly agree. And I don't care. "I don't care". I don't care. I. Don't. Care. I have never dreamed of labor. "Dream job?" There wasn't one. Sure, some things sounded interesting. But to find something I want to do for 40 or more hours, 5 days a week?! Who cares that much about one thing? I'll tip my hat to the church for this one; being able to go into "mission" work and enjoy the love of my life for 7 years. Japan! Not much work and all my friends lived in one place. Not a bad "job". No work accountabuility and little responsibility. But, I couldn't keep going. And one big factor that sent me coreening back to the states happened to be depression. ...... The day before I turned 30, my depression spiked. The world around me was spinning and I couldn't get my head above water and my very body was pulling me under deeper and deeper until all I could do was stop flailing my arms and give up. Stop. Slow. "I don't care." "I don't even want to be here." "I wish I was never born." "Why do I have to care? Why do I have to smile? Why do I have to make YOU feel good when I Don't Care?" .......Fuck this. Sorry. FUCK this. I owe this world nothing. ....... Thank you for coming to my TED talk. ....... Why post here on this "deconstruction" blog? My first thought was "facebook" for whatever reason. Pehaps to fill the emptyness? Giving people a "hint" that I was drowning. Waving my arms from under the waves just enough that someone might notice. "Oh! Someones drowning!" But no. I made the wise desicion to take a deep breath and process here instead. This post is my raw process. Uncut close up. Haha. I don't care. Why should you? It's because I walked away from God that I feel this way. It's because I don't pray and call out to him. "Father, Father! Why did I forsake you? For my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak! I should have never denied you! Don't deny me in front of yourself!" ...If only I would turn to him. If only I would forsake my sinful ways and sinful thoughts and turn my heart back to him. Then his peace would fill my heart. His joy would cascade over my spirit like a rushing river! He's waiting for me! His heart wants me to look his way, to give him a glance even. Once I do He will take me back. Just like the father did. I don't believe these words. And not in the cute way, like when someone says "I love you" and you respond, "I don't believe you." No. I don't believe these words because I don't believe in god. Its as though someone said, "Santa Clause said he loves you." and I respond, "I don't believe you." In the time between my last post and now, I have shifted again in my internal system. An Athiest. An Agnostic Aithist, but an Athiest. What does all that have to do with the question of why I posted this here? It simply is because of what I wrote above. Because of those beliefs. "If I turn back he will ___". If I were standing before past Micaela, she would pray for me. She would ask to lay hands on me and pray that I would encounter god. HER idea of god. Her loving and "gracious" father. She would believe one day he would do it. He would encounter her. He would heal or ease her depression. ...Ironically, past Micaela is me. The one in front of herself. I know her. No matter how many times she turned to him, he wasn't there. No matter how many times she felt depressed and picked herself back up or found friends to lean on, that god was not there. She gave him the credit though. He saved her. He gave her hope and peace and joy. At least thats what she knew he promised. He said he would, so he will. I believe because he said it. He did? Because they said he would. Because that book says he will. I believe it. Thats why I post this here. Because depression is just that. Depression. I have it. A lot of people do. It's where I am. It sucks so much. I hate it here. I struggle not to resent my own loving parents simply because of depression. It's not gone. Right now as I write this I feel so dead inside. So uninterested in life and hate being around those who are. It's hard to spend all day pushing yourself to do every single thing. Even walking down a hallway or answering a question with a smile. Or deciding what to eat. The only desire I have is for everything to stop so I can find a corner, make my nest of comfort and curl up inside for as long as I want. It simply is. And no god has ever gotten me through this before, so I don't need him this time either.

"I Don't Know"

           "I understand that you are gay. But where is your relationship with Holy Spirit right now?"

There isn't one. Well, not one that I am aware of anymore. I don't know if I believe that there ever was 'a relationship'. Blunt. I know. But I don't really care to hide these thoughts anymore. I do not believe in the bible or that Jesus is god nor that the god of the bible is god. 

My next step was going to be quoting the bible verses of what that makes me. My favorite being 'an anti-christ'. But, I decided I would move on. 

So, what do I believe now? The answer is, I don't know. I'm going to stay open minded. The 'unknown' is what I believe. I believe there is too much that is unknown. And filling in the unknown blanks of life with god or aliens doesn't make it true. So, I will leave the blanks blank and give the answer, "I don't know". 

I can say I believe there is a spiritual essence to life. But still, its unknown. There might be a god who sits on a throne in a heaven slash alternate earth who loves me and has plans for all humanity. But, again, I don't know. 

I wanted to write this out because two people have already asked me this question. And so I felt to answer it on this blog. I'm not sure who will read this. And I'm not sure I plan to hand out the link if I ever come out of the closet in the gay way or the theological way. I think I'll let it sit here. Just like my beliefs. 

The Echo Chamber Of Deceitful Hearts

 Jeremiah 17:9 NKJV  "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?"

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." 

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

           A big piece in my deconstruction process was learning to trust myself. Learning to listen to my body, my true inner beliefs, empathy and my heart. It felt scary. 

            In my time in missionary work, I was in a community of christians who taught me how to listen to myself in some ways. I learned the "prophetic" and how to "discern" my inner voice because God spoke through my feelings, thoughts and emotions. Which — personally looking back — gave me a jump start into accepting those things as good. But it was still under the understanding that "my human heart IS deceitful and can't be trusted". I was taught to use the bible as a guide — to hold up what I was "hearing" or feeling to the truth. The Bible would be evidence showing I was hearing correctly. Or at least, what I was "hearing" wasn't against God's agenda.  How do you do that, you ask? Good question. Are we not simply holding up our words and thoughts to our own translation of old texts? Are we not listening to those more experienced in the faith to help us interpret those texts and confirm our words and thoughts? Did I not live inside an echo chamber? Everyone confirming one another. I knew I was in an echo chamber. I just thought it was the way, the truth and the life. 

                Inside this chamber, someone might echo a different sound. It could come in the form of a question. It might be a stance. On the outside of the chamber, its just a whisper. But inside, it's loud and it's wrong. "They just need more of Jesus", I would say, "They need to encounter God inside this chamber". Because the sound coming out of them wasn't the same. It wasn't inside our book. It wasn't inside our God chamber. Eventually, sometimes without their knowing, we would push them to the outskirts of the chamber. They were still there. Still inside. But we didn't let their voice echo so loud. They still needed that "encounter". They still needed to study the word. They needed to listen to the other echo's so they could know what was true. Good luck hearing the voices outside! Through the filtered walls and louder sounds of the echo's you have heard your whole life! You can see it. The other side. You can hear it faintly. But it's not loud enough. It comes through the walls of "truth" and dies on the floor in front of you. 

                  This is where I'm at right now. In this season. This moment now I am sitting in all the beliefs I held before and sifting through them like sand. It's confusing. It's scary. I am outside the echo chamber. Even if I tried to stay inside I would be the one pushed to the outskirts. I know I would. Because if past me and present me stood face to face, past me wouldn't hesitate to give the first shove.

                    I'm living past Micaela's greatest fear. She was afraid one day she wouldn't be able to hate the sinners anymore (sorry, I mean 'hate the sin love the sinners'). She fought with God and she would fight with me, shouting in my face "Why did you give up?!". 

"Give up?" I would laugh back — shutting my mouth of the things I wish I could tell her. She wouldn't understand. Not yet. 

"What about all the things He has done!?" She would cry, "You can't explain those feelings! You can't explain what you've seen and heard! You felt His love! You felt His grace! You had dreams and visions that connected with things you couldn't have known! Didn't you always say, "I've seen too much to turn away"?? What happened to that??" 

               What's amazing is, it doesn't at all feel like I've "turned away". It feels like my eyes have opened. My heart is bigger. My life has expanded. 

               I believe in "God". But now he goes by a different name. I call him "the unknown". I don't have a book where he speaks to me. But I can find his words everywhere. I don't have a narrow road he leads me on. I have a field that goes on and on and on. I don't have a promise of eternal life. Because if we really think about it, no one does. But I do have this life. And I'm going to live it freely, kindly, bravely and I'm going to love everyone I can! 

                  I'm not in that echo chamber anymore. (And I hope to be aware of any time I may be inside one again). I am me. I have thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. And thats OK. Its OK!!! I'm not always right. And THAT TOO is OK. It's ok to not know everything. It's ok to not have a solid belief of what will happen to me when I die. It's ok to listen to my heart. My heart wants to love! My heart wants to heal, grow and learn. What's so deceitful and desperately wicked about that? 

Thank you for taking the time to read through where my life and heart are in this moment of time. Sorry for any grammar errors of misspelled words. 

Thank you to my best friend who helped me process these words!