Jeremiah 17:9 NKJV "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?"
Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
A big piece in my deconstruction process was learning to trust myself. Learning to listen to my body, my true inner beliefs, empathy and my heart. It felt scary.
In my time in missionary work, I was in a community of christians who taught me how to listen to myself in some ways. I learned the "prophetic" and how to "discern" my inner voice because God spoke through my feelings, thoughts and emotions. Which — personally looking back — gave me a jump start into accepting those things as good. But it was still under the understanding that "my human heart IS deceitful and can't be trusted". I was taught to use the bible as a guide — to hold up what I was "hearing" or feeling to the truth. The Bible would be evidence showing I was hearing correctly. Or at least, what I was "hearing" wasn't against God's agenda. How do you do that, you ask? Good question. Are we not simply holding up our words and thoughts to our own translation of old texts? Are we not listening to those more experienced in the faith to help us interpret those texts and confirm our words and thoughts? Did I not live inside an echo chamber? Everyone confirming one another. I knew I was in an echo chamber. I just thought it was the way, the truth and the life.
Inside this chamber, someone might echo a different sound. It could come in the form of a question. It might be a stance. On the outside of the chamber, its just a whisper. But inside, it's loud and it's wrong. "They just need more of Jesus", I would say, "They need to encounter God inside this chamber". Because the sound coming out of them wasn't the same. It wasn't inside our book. It wasn't inside our God chamber. Eventually, sometimes without their knowing, we would push them to the outskirts of the chamber. They were still there. Still inside. But we didn't let their voice echo so loud. They still needed that "encounter". They still needed to study the word. They needed to listen to the other echo's so they could know what was true. Good luck hearing the voices outside! Through the filtered walls and louder sounds of the echo's you have heard your whole life! You can see it. The other side. You can hear it faintly. But it's not loud enough. It comes through the walls of "truth" and dies on the floor in front of you.
This is where I'm at right now. In this season. This moment now I am sitting in all the beliefs I held before and sifting through them like sand. It's confusing. It's scary. I am outside the echo chamber. Even if I tried to stay inside I would be the one pushed to the outskirts. I know I would. Because if past me and present me stood face to face, past me wouldn't hesitate to give the first shove.
I'm living past Micaela's greatest fear. She was afraid one day she wouldn't be able to hate the sinners anymore (sorry, I mean 'hate the sin love the sinners'). She fought with God and she would fight with me, shouting in my face "Why did you give up?!".
"Give up?" I would laugh back — shutting my mouth of the things I wish I could tell her. She wouldn't understand. Not yet.
"What about all the things He has done!?" She would cry, "You can't explain those feelings! You can't explain what you've seen and heard! You felt His love! You felt His grace! You had dreams and visions that connected with things you couldn't have known! Didn't you always say, "I've seen too much to turn away"?? What happened to that??"
What's amazing is, it doesn't at all feel like I've "turned away". It feels like my eyes have opened. My heart is bigger. My life has expanded.
I believe in "God". But now he goes by a different name. I call him "the unknown". I don't have a book where he speaks to me. But I can find his words everywhere. I don't have a narrow road he leads me on. I have a field that goes on and on and on. I don't have a promise of eternal life. Because if we really think about it, no one does. But I do have this life. And I'm going to live it freely, kindly, bravely and I'm going to love everyone I can!
I'm not in that echo chamber anymore. (And I hope to be aware of any time I may be inside one again). I am me. I have thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. And thats OK. Its OK!!! I'm not always right. And THAT TOO is OK. It's ok to not know everything. It's ok to not have a solid belief of what will happen to me when I die. It's ok to listen to my heart. My heart wants to love! My heart wants to heal, grow and learn. What's so deceitful and desperately wicked about that?
Thank you for taking the time to read through where my life and heart are in this moment of time. Sorry for any grammar errors of misspelled words.
Thank you to my best friend who helped me process these words!
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